Introduction and Overview
Evaluate Your Marital Communication
Instructions for the Counselor This exercise is meant to help couples reflect on their communication and to give feedback on their strengths and weaknesses. The couple should fill out a copy of the worksheet separately, and then follow the instructions on the last two pages. Note the husband fills out both the “Evaluate Yourself” and the “Evaluate Your Spouse” pages. The wife does the same thing. The real usefulness of this exercise is that the person not only evaluates himself or herself, but then hears how his/her spouse would evaluate himself/herself on the same parameters. Example: Jim marks a “2” (hardly ever) for anger and his wife marks a “7” (frequently) for the same thing.
As they talk through this exercise, the similarities and differences in what they marked will be instructive. After the couple has filled out the worksheet and also worked through the instructions on the last page, sit down with them and talk with them about what they learned. (Be sure to do this only after they have completed the instructions on the last two pages!)
Evaluate Yourself
Instructions: Individually evaluate yourself according to the following scale. When you are done then compare your evaluation with your spouse’s evaluation of your communication. Strength Unbiblical Communication Scale Weakness Hardly Almost
Ever Seldom Sometimes Frequently Always
I blow-up (vent my anger) when I talk with you (Eph. 4:26).
I clam-up instead of talking with you (Prov. 6:1-5; 24:11-12).
I interrupt you when you’re talking (Prov. 18:13).
I judge your motives (1 Cor. 4:5).
I use sweeping generalizations/absolute statements when I talk to you.
I blame-shift my responsibilities to you (Gen. 3:12).
I dig up things from the past (1 Cor. 13:5).
I use harshness when I talk with you (1 Sam. 25:3, 10-11).
Weakness Biblical Communication Scale Strength
Hardly Almost
Ever Seldom Sometimes Frequently Always
I do grant forgiveness to you (Eph. 4:32).
I do ask for your forgiveness.
I strive to bring unity and peace to our relationship (Eph. 4:3).
I speak loving and kind words when I talk to you.
I demonstrate self-control with the words and emotions I choose.
I communicate with a loving countenance on my face (Gen. 4:6; Isa. 3:9a).
I consistently communicate biblical truth when I talk to you (Eph. 4:25).
I use honest, accurate, and truthful statements when I talk to you (Eph. 4:25).
Whenever you explain your motives, I believe you (1 Cor 13:7 “love believes all things”).
I am quick to listen (Jas. 1:19).
I slow to speak (Jas. 1:19).
I take great pleasure in understanding my spouse (Proverbs 18:2)
I look at you when I talk to you (Job 6:28).
I touch you enough when I talk to you (Jn. 13:23; 21:20).
Evaluate Your Spouse
Instructions: Evaluate your spouse’s communication according to the following scale. When you are done compare your evaluation with your spouse’s evaluation. Strength Unbiblical Communication Scale Weakness Hardly Almost
Ever Seldom Sometimes Frequently Always
My spouse blows-up when he/she talks with me (Eph. 4:26).
My spouse clams-up instead of talking with me (Prov. 6:1-5; 24:11-12).
My spouse interrupts me when I am talking (Prov. 18:13).
My spouse judges my motives (1 Cor. 4:5).
My spouse uses sweeping generalizations/absolute statements when he/she talks to me.
My spouse blame-shifts his/her responsibilities to me (Gen. 3:12).
My spouse digs up things from the past (1 Cor. 13:5).
My spouse uses harshness when he/she talks with me (1 Sam. 25:3, 10-11).
Weakness Biblical Communication Scale Strength · Part 2
Hardly Almost
Ever Seldom Sometimes Frequently Always
My spouse grants forgiveness to me (Eph. 4:32).
My spouse asks for my forgiveness.
My spouse strives to bring unity and peace to our relationship (Eph. 4:3).
My spouse speaks loving and kind words when he/she talks to me.
My spouse demonstrates self-control with the words and emotions he/she chooses.
My spouse communicates with a loving countenance on his/her face (Gen. 4:6; Isa. 3:9a).
My spouse consistently communicates biblical truth when he/she talks to me (Eph. 4:25).
My spouse uses honest, accurate, and truthful statements when he/she talks to me.
Whenever I explain my motives, my spouse believes me (1 Cor 13:7 “love believes all things”).
My spouse is quick to listen (Jas. 1:19).
My spouse is slow to speak (Jas. 1:19).
My spouse takes great pleasure in understanding me (Proverbs 18:2)
My spouse looks at me when he/she talks to me (Job 6:28).
My spouse touches me enough when he/she talks to me (Jn. 13:23; 21:20).
Talking to Your Spouse About Communication
Evaluate the Husband’s Communication
Step 1. Husbands, look at your evaluation of yourself. Wives, look at your evaluation
of your spouse. Go through each statement one at a time and compare it with your spouse’s answer. (“I put a 3 on ‘my spouse does not look at me’, what did you put, honey?”)
Step 2. After comparing answers, come to some agreement about the husband’s two
greatest areas of weakness. (You may choose weaknesses from the unbiblical communication page, the biblical communication page, or both pages.) Husband’s greatest areas of weakness: 1. 2.
Step 3. Wives, give a specific example of each of your husband’s areas of weakness. Take a moment and write them down. An example of first area of weakness: An example of second area of weakness:
Step 4. Wives, affirm your husband for one or two of his communication strengths.
Evaluate the Wife’s Communication
Step 1. Wives, look at your evaluation of yourself. Husbands, look at your evaluation
of your spouse. Go through each statement one at a time and compare it with your spouse’s answer. (“I put a 3 on ‘my spouse does not look at me’, what did you put, honey?”)
Step 2. After comparing answers, come to some agreement about the wife’s two greatest
areas of weakness. (You may choose weaknesses from the unbiblical communication page, the biblical communication page, or both pages.) Wife’s greatest areas of weakness: 1. 2.
Step 3. Husbands, give a specific example of each of your wife’s areas of weakness. Take a moment and write them down. An example of first area of weakness: An example of second area of weakness: